Paper Cuts: Remembering to Dare to Be True

Part One

by Peter Alduino

Let’s talk about paper cuts. You know how when you get a paper cut, it stings, and you start to bleed. What happens if you get another paper cut, and it stings, and it too bleeds a little bit? And then you get another paper cut, and it stings, and it bleeds a little bit. And again and again and again and again and again. Soon you’re going to hurt a whole lot, and if you don’t stop injuring yourself, you are going to loose a lot of blood.

A paper cut. That is exactly what happens every single time we behave or speak in a way that violates one of our closely held values. Every time we violate one of our closely held values, something inside of us stings; something inside of us bleeds just a little bit. What stings and what you are bleeding away is the essence of who your are – your core, your self.

As human beings, we are all prone to paper cuts. We are all prone to behaving and speaking in ways that go against self. And sometimes, perhaps more often than not, it is in the smallest ways. For instance, few months ago, I went into the Apple store at the Oakridge Mall in San Jose, California. I was going to buy a battery for my laptop, a carrying case for my iPod and a new power cord. And just as I was approaching the register, the gentleman who was helping me asked: “Are you an educator?” I hesitated, and I said “well no; well yes.” I said, “Listen, I am in private business, but my business is education,” which is what I do. And he said, “Well do you teach at university?” I said, “Oh yeah.” And he asked, “Can I see your university ID?” And I showed him my ID from University of California, Berkeley from which I have an ID card as a visiting member of the faculty. Now that ID card had expired. I was no longer a member of the faculty; that had been 2 years earlier. But there was no expiration date on the card.

So I got away with bending the truth. No, I got away with knowingly misrepresenting the truth. My faculty ID card allowed me $5 off on one purchase and $8 off on another. Total was a $13 discount. So I got a $13 discount on a $260 purchase because I was willing to bend the truth about whether I was currently teaching at UC Berkley. You might say, c’mon, so what, it’s no big deal. And maybe it isn’t a big deal, but it’s a paper cut and I felt it. I felt the sting. I felt the sting for having intentionally and knowingly lied for the sake of $13. Basically I was willing to compromise one of my closely held values - daring to be true -for $13.

What was I thinking!?

Was it, “Gee, I wonder if I can get away with this?”

Was it, “Hey, everyone else does this, why not me?” It is a little like the rationale for cheating on our taxes – “hey, if everyone else does it……”

Who knows. I screwed up.

So, I tried to regroup. I went back to the store, back to the salesman, and said that I was really only a lecturer, and I was not really employed by UC Berkley. What I did not do was just fess up and say, “I just lied to you.” That was my pride kicking in. That was my lack of humility kicking in. I did not say, “I’m not really entitled to this.”

Again, I failed to fully live up to my closely held value – to my self. I failed to demonstrate through my behavior and words that part of my self that I claim to hold dear – dare to be true.

I was so mad, so angry – at myself. I had allowed myself to lose site of and lose touch with my self – and for what, 13 dollars.

Now, I eventually got over this. But the whole episode reminded me once again that it hurts a whole lot more to violate my values than it does to hold them with tremendous and utmost respect, and to honor them. At least it does for me.

The whole episode reinforced that I want to be vigilant. I want to stay awake to the myriad of temptations and taunts that challenge my adherence to my guiding principles. I want to rigorously apply my guiding principles to my behaviors and words and actions. I want to safeguard my self.

Why? Paper cuts bleed. If my pattern were such that I could just say: “Well, that’s not such a big deal,” I might not think twice when I repeated the same kind of small cheating elsewhere and then elsewhere and then elsewhere. I might not think much of it because in the grand scheme of things, I might think that it wouldn’t amount to anything. But it does amount to something. In the grand scheme of things, each time I repeat this same kind of small cheating, I am cutting myself, and bleeding to death spiritually. I am losing the essence of my being. I am losing my self.

If the pattern of paper cuts persists, sooner or later, I am fundamentally changed. I figuratively bleed away my connection and conscience around my value. You know the expression, “that is a bloodless guy” or “that person is bloodless.” What does that mean? It means the person is unfeeling. So, in my case, it means that if I allow myself to repeatedly violate a closely held value, I lose the ability to feel or to connect consciously with whatever that value was. It disappears, and along with it, part of me disappears – part of my self disappears – the self that until then was part of my core; the self that I expressed to the world around me through my behaviors and words and actions. All of that disappears from view.

And nature abhors a vacuum.

So, where dare to be true once figured prominently in the landscape of my self, if that space is seeded with occasional small cheatings, and then nurtured through seemingly harmless additional small transgression in my behaviors, in my words and in my actions….. Well, you know the rest of the story. Where do we draw the line? Where does small end and medium begin? Where does medium end and large begin? When does our landscape of self cease to be a thing of beauty, and begin to resemble a wasteland?

I remember the wise counsel of my high school geometry teacher, Andreas Evriviades. He was Greek, and in true Greek tradition, he infused all learning with philosophy. Among his teachings, this timeless maxim: “Life is the raw material. You are the artist. Create a thing of beauty!”

If it stings, pay heed.

Let us pay heed when a part of our self stings. Let us dress our occasional wounds with forgiveness. And let us make it our regular and consistent practice to be purposeful in our behaviors, and words and action – purposeful that they should be an illustration of our internal core, our beautiful inner landscape, our self.